Reasons it might be hard for you to say no

• You were taught as a child to always say yes to the requests (or demands) of adults. If you didn't comply, you were explicitly or implicitly punished. So you gained less experience and confidence saying no when you were young.
• You don't feel like you have a right to speak up for yourself and what you want. Other people have denied that your own desires, needs, and wants have merit. In some cases, people might not even know what it is they want because they are so deeply in the habit of deferring to the wants of others.
• You're in an actual or perceived power dynamic. If the other person has more power than you, (e.g. the other person is your boss who signs your paychecks, or a person of authority at your place of worship), saying no can jeopardize your income, your standing in a community, subject you to retribution later on, or lead to other consequences inflicted by the person with greater power than you.
• You're afraid of violence. There may be an actual or perceived threat of violence if you don't comply with what the other person wants you to do.
• You're averse to conflict. This can especially be the case if in your childhood, conflict among your parental figures meant that they would emotionally withdraw, become sullen, or get angry. Your parental figures did not have the skills needed to express their own needs clearly and have those needs be understood and supported among each other or by other adults. That means that any confict now feels dangerous to you because it feels like your support system might become unavailable or even turn against you if there is conflict. To avoid the conflict, you don't say no when you would like to.
• You want to avoid guilt. You believe that because of reciprocity (I've done things for you, so you should do things for me) or whatever other reason, you should accede to the request, and you know you will feel guilt if you don't.
• You're worried about disappointing people. As an empathic person, you feel the weight of the other person's feelings and you believe you will be responsible for causing disappointment or other unpleasant emotions in them.
• You're being subjected to peer pressure. Be it working late or a risky dare, you don't want to disappoint or be ostracized by the group you're in by going against what the rest of them are doing.
• You're afraid of judgment or what people might say behind your back. You might suffer slander if you don't agree to do what people you know want. This may be especially true if you've acceded to their wishes often in the past and then you start setting firmer boundaries and saying no more often to them.
• You're afraid of losing friendships or romantic relationships by saying no. You may feel dependent upon a person and don't feel that you can risk saying no so that you don't lose your support from them.
• Financial reasons can play a role. For example, you may feel stuck with a partner or a roommate who helps you pay the rent and not say no to them for fear that they will retaliate or leave.

Phew! That's a lot of reasons that you might have a hard time saying no, and it's by no means a complete list!

The impact of socialization

It may come as no surprise to you that women often have a harder time saying no than men. (Which is not to say that men don't have a hard time saying no too.) It is still true that boys and men are widely socialized to be go getters and to let no obstacle stand in the way of getting what they want. Meanwhile, girls and women are widely socialized to take into account the feelings, wants, and opinions of everyone else before their own. In addition, many of the items from the list above disproportionately affect women because of this socialization and other gender-based discrimination.

Not a moral failure

If you are in or have been in situations where you have had to say yes to preserve your safety, I am so, so sorry you have had to endure that.
It's difficult and it's damaging. I definitely recognize that self preservation is a valid reason for doing whatever it is you need to do, or agreeing to whatever it is you need to agree to, to protect yourself and minimize harm to yourself (or others).

Just about all of us have been in situations where we've wished we had said no. Perhaps you've berated yourself for not saying no. Whenever this happens, I hope you will be kind and understanding toward yourself. Given the difficulties and complications surrounding saying no, it's not an easy, straightforward path to simply start saying no whenever you want to. Fortunantely, saying no and establishing better boundaries with others is a skill that you can develop over time!

The role of the professional cuddler

As a professional cuddler, I very much support the right of people to say no when they want to, especially when it comes to how other people touch their bodies. Here are some of the ways I model and teach saying no with my clients:

• First of all, I will not touch you without actively obtaining your consent. Keep in mind that an important part of consent is enthusiasm, meaning that if I feel that you seem to be saying yes to me when you might really like to say no, I will actually double check that you actually wanted to say yes.
• I can help you recognize when touch and non-touch boundaries in your life are healthy and consensual and when they are not, be it in your personal relationships or elsewhere in your life.
• I can teach you some of the basic tenets of NVC, or Nonviolent Communication, which can help you understand what your own needs are and help you to make requests of other people to help take care of those needs.
• I can help you practice saying no in a safe enviroment. One way to do this is to engage in role plays where one of us asks for something and the other says no out loud. We can practice different ways of saying no. We can talk about whatever feelings that come up when we do this.
• I can be a cheerleader when it comes to you saying no to people in your life!